Richard's Online Journal

[24/08/07] Warcraft: The Mage Class Guide

Mages. We put the "WOW!" in WoW.

Greetings and welcome! You’ve signed up with an elite band of brothers and sisters, gifted with supreme power over the elements. Now it’s time to make your mark in civilised society, facing off against the weaklings and intellectual troglodytes suffocating the World of Warcraft.

In this guide, you’ll find out how to play the only class that matters.

The winning class.

First, and most important, is finding your Place. Your Purpose. And above all, your Minions. Without dedicated pets, you’ll need to use the twin weapons of passive agression and outright arrogance to seize your birthright.

This may not be popular. Some players will use mean, hurtful phrases like ‘Glass Cannon’ in an attempt to sap your confidence. Don’t let them. Always remember: as a mage, you have control over the elements, nay, the very forces of unleashed chaos itself. You don’t need to take any crap from some illiterate troll. Or Gnome, or Orc, or Tauren.

(Listen to the Undead though, as you may want to follow their example. Becoming a dominating lich who survives after death is, if not the ideal end of your career, nothing to be sniffed at if the alternative is returning home to the family farm. Unless you’re going to burn it down, in which case do make sure your parents haven’t bought fireworks to celebrate the happy event.)

Grouping and Teaming

Your first act in any group should be to seize control as the Leader, through simple force of will and passion of mind. Remind other players of your power on a regular basis. When they’re fighting an Elite Boss that’s kicking their arse, sit on the periphery, eating a magically summoned muffin. Call out phrases like “Goodness, he’s a toughy!” or “Imagine if there were fireballs pounding into him. That’d make all the difference, right?”

They won’t like it at first, or indeed ever. But that won’t matter, because all the loot you’ll earn through getting first dibs on monsters’ stuff will soon pay for new friends, hopefully more understanding of their place in the world. Beneath you. Forever.

Mages are always in high demand, as it should be. Do not however fall for the newbie mistake of jumping on any group that smiles at you in a pretty way. This would be whoring out your natural gifts, which isn’t much better than doing it down the docks - conjuring muffins and magical water for passing sailors. Indeed, avoid sharing your food and drink wherever possible. It’ll give you a useful bargaining chip when one of your minions/team-mates finds something you like. Wait until they’re at almost no health, then casually cast a frost spell at a nearby monster. As it slowly ponders towards you, take a long bite out of the health-restoring muffin.

Good lines at this point include: “Mmm. This muffin really is delicious,” and “Goodness, if only we weren’t ten miles from the last Graveyard.”

Climbing The Levels

When it comes to Quests, refuse. You take orders from nobody, especially a fisherman who never moves his arse from the docks. Don’t these people ever do their own jobs? Would walking the five minutes into the pub to get their own drink detract so much from their busy lives, standing around in the rain? They should be doing favours for you. Tell them that. If you do it enough, it might actually help. Consider outsourcing your adventures to Gnomeregan - they’re not up to much. This will leave you time for the more important things in life, such as looking in the mirror, and grinding your ‘smoke ring’ statistics until you can fire a Mobius strip out of each nostril.

Of course, sometimes everybody needs help. Sometimes they’ll come to you. Sometimes you’ll need some canon fodder to avoid breaking a fingernail. This means it’s time to start looking for a group. If your reputation has spread to the point where people will no longer team with you, ideally out of fear of your power, urgent action may be needed. Consider finding an inoffensive hobbit and writing BURGLAR on his door. After the fuzz show up, you can loot his shit and hire some top mercenaries.

Alternatively, look into a career in herbalism. The following conversation will help.

“Did you enjoy your muffin? I know I will. I enjoyed dripping in the poison. I’m sorry. Already, your intestines are turning black and mouldy. Soon… you will die. Every night, I will call you as you sleep, and explain the symptoms you will experience the next day… the shakes… the sickness… the collapse of flesh. And you will say to me ‘Thank You’. Perhaps I will give you the antidote. Perhaps I won’t. Either way, the night you don’t hear from me heralds the day you die. Pleasant dreams.”

That should do the trick.

Skills and Talents

Choose spells that will help you in all situations: fireburst, fireball, fireblaze, and firecrotch. For the hell of it, also gather the necessary components that will turn your enemy into a sheep and teleport them to Wales/New Zealand (delete as least offensive). It’s a great way of ending arguments, relationships, or dealing with pesky uprisings in your party. Killing time, too.

The most difficult part of the grind for Mages is Level 1-20. This is because you can’t let anyone see you so weak, and you lack a good spell to bloody their nose if they start something. The best solution is to roll a Gnome, dress in red, and have everyone call you Dungeon Master. They’ll assume your fragile form hides a power beyond reason, and eventually they’ll be right. Just be sure to note their names so that you can return later and murder them before they work out your deception.

By Level 30, you should have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, because they’re evil little bastards. Then it’s a pretty simple jog up to Level 70. Just do the thing with the thing, and also fire. And frost, if you want. But mostly fire.

For the endgame, your top priority is rushing back to the newbie areas and depopulating them with Area of Effect spells. This will restrict up and coming players’ growth, ensuring that they never get a chance to get l33ter gear than j00. Oddly, there’s not much XP on offer for the quest “Um, well, quiet isn’t it? Could you go down the shops for me?”, and after a hundred of them, even the most adventurous Level 1 will walk off in a huff to play Everquest or Strip Buckaroo or something.

Congratulations! You should now be the greatest Mage in all Azeroth. Go forth and receive the adulation and praise the universe owes you. Just watch out for Rogues, ‘cause they’ll drop you like a little bitch.